The Ring

I’ve written before about our wedding rings, and my decision to take mine off, and wear Mikes on my middle finger on my right hand.

A few months ago i looked down, and Mikes ring was missing a diamond. I sat looking at it, and decided that maybe it was time for me to take it off, and that this may be the sign that it was time.

I slipped it off, and put it in my jewelry box.

Since then I have felt for that ring on my finger countless times. I have looked down at these old ringless hands that i barely even recognize, and each time I do i feel a pang when i don’t see his ring.

I was reading about the significance of wedding bands, and i read that a circle has no beginning or end and is therefore a symbol of infinity. It is endless,eternal, and just the way love should be.

This seems like a fitting symbol of love and loss. Our loved ones pass, and we are left with love, and nowhere for it to go. Just around and around like the circular band we wear on our fourth finger of our left hand.

I loved being with Mike. He allowed me to be me. Maybe because we knew our time would be cut short we didn’t bother with all the things adults who have been hurt do to protect themselves from being further hurt. We just spent every minute we could together, and lived in the moment.

I got used to not planning or thinking of the future then, and have continued now. Then it was because our future was limited, and we were unsure of whether we would have one. Now it seems foolish to waste time planning for something that may or not happen. That space in my heart reserved for hope and love has been scarred over with loss and regret.

I look around me at happy couples, and families and i know that i was a part of that once. I have been married for most of my adult life, raised a child. Yet the memories of those times are fading, just like the dreams of happily ever after.

I was sitting in church Sunday, and was overwhelmed with the need to wear Mikes band again. The need to remember that time when i had hopes and dreams. Before life kicked me with such force that i lost my balance.

I could barely wait to get out of church, and run home to get it, and take it in for repair.

I need to wear that ring again. That circular piece of gold metal wrapped around my finger, comforting me as he used to. Wrapped around me like his arms once were.

Reminding me that i was once loved.