I sit here alone on what would have been our two year wedding anniversary. It is fitting to be alone, without Mike I feel alone most of the time even in a crowd. I have been a widow for a month now. I have gone through the anniversary of the day we met three years ago, the day we got engaged, and now our wedding anniversary. All alone.
I wasn’t prepared for this yearning. I didn’t know I would have this need deep inside for him, that can’t be satisfied no matter what I do, or where I go. Nothing makes me feel better, the pain gets deeper and more intense and more painful.
We should be celebrating our anniversary.
Instead I sit alone with my memories. I watch the few videos I have of him, and I reread the letters he left me, and the cards you have sent with your memories of him. I think it will help, and yet it doesn’t.
I go to sleep alone at night looking at his picture on the night stand, and I wake up in the morning looking at his empty side of the bed.
It’s so painful, even long sentences hurt.
On our way to get married on this day 2 years ago, we rode alone to our church. Mike wasn’t afraid of his feelings, but he was a guy. He wasn’t big on flowery speeches, or big moments.
We were driving along. He asked me to put my phone down, I was answering a customer email, time of year you know. He said to me ” remember that day we met?” I said “yes, of course.” He said “When you walked into the restaurant my heart leapt, and then it sank.” I said why did your heart sink? He said ” I thought to myself “She’s way out of my league.”
He treated me like that every day.
Three years wasn’t nearly long enough.
Happy Anniversary my love.