Last week was tough. I had to have some surgery, was dealing with the feels from scattering Mikes remaining ashes up north, and was in the middle of the first post loss major decision i had to make alone.
At one point, after a mostly sleepless night, I got down on my knees beside my bed, and just started praying. Please God help me. Take some of this burden i feel off of my shoulders.
Since that night, i have started dreaming about Mike again,gained a small measure of peace, am seeing some positive results from the surgery finally after suffering for six months, and am a little more hopeful that I will actually be happy again someday.
The truth is I have been very quick to hold a grudge these last several months.It’s like I just can’t deal with anything but the heavy weight of sadness. It has been an anchor around my leg, reminding me every time i move of it’s presence.
A dear friend told me that she doesn’t recognize me half the time, or even know who I am anymore. That is something we have in common. I hardly recognize myself. I am cognizant of the fact that I am changed. How can i not be. I just hope when this sadness finally abates, that my people will still be here. I am trying, I really am.
Mike has been coming to me in my dreams again, after months of not feeling him. He has been reminding me of our love, of our amazing relationship. I was so blessed to have something that many never have in their whole lives. When the sadness overwhelms, i try to remind myself. Sometimes i can even go a day without giving myself a pep talk. That’s a positive considering not so long ago I could barely go minute to minute.
The exercise is helping.
Thank you God for the carry when i couldn’t walk it alone.