I’ve missed you, and as I get closer to Mikes death date, and our wedding anniversary I wanted to give you an update.
I try not to measure things in short term increments. When i do that it feels like i havn’t progressed. However when I look back at larger chunks of time, i realized that i have been moving forward in my life, and living with this grief.
I underestimated how hard moving would be. I know that it is one of the most stressful experiences in life, but i didn’t realize just how triggering it would be. It has just been so exhausting, and i have felt very alone. If i can give you any advice, if you are going through major loss or stress, get your rest. The grief is just so much more prevalent when i am tired. I start looking at things in a negative way, and i just don’t have my defenses up when i am exhausted. Now I know why they say no big changes in your first year post loss. The grief is a weight around you, dragging you down. My advice is to take baby steps, and then rest. When i take the big broad moves now, and the inevitable slide backwards happens, I just sit with it. Sometimes i am better at it then at other times, but i just try to be patient with myself.
I miss having Mike to focus me. He was just so good at that. I’ve been doing events again, and he always helped me set them up, and take them down. I have missed him so much at these times. I watch all the husband and wife teams and my heart is filled with envy. We just always had such a good time together, and he just made my life easier. It’s times like these that i feel the loss as if it were yesterday.
I miss him. Time has helped me to get used to the ache. I’ve had to get used to it, as it doesn’t go away. So many people have told me that i am lucky to have experienced the love that Mike and I had. I know that I am lucky. However, it is no accident that we had the relationship we did. We worked on it, we put our marriage first. We didn’t have enough time together, and no matter what happens in my future i know this. He should be here. It’s a difficult thing to accept. I don’t know that i ever will.
I’ve been dating. It’s hard. Everyone at my age has scars. I have scars. I get asked all the time why i am single, as if it’s a curse. lol I actually have had men never talk to me again after they find out my husband died, as if I killed him. I’ve felt butterflies in my stomach for someone only to be hurt by the sting of rejection. Mostly I’ve been grateful to even feel again, because for a long while I felt pretty dead inside.
I’ve gotten used to the idea that the right person for me will accept my love for Mike. He will understand that my heart is big enough to include another.
If it never happens for me again? I’m ok with that. I’m still going to give it all i have. I’m going to push down that fear i have of losing again. Even when it is not returned. Even when it seems dumb.
I’m still going to love.
It’s what makes life worth living.