Membership into Club Widow has taught me a few things. One of the things it has taught me is that i have to feel all of the feelings, and that the feelings can sometimes change minute by minute.
I told my BFF the other day that most days I feel crazy. Wildly careening from one extreme emotion to the next. He being the awesome sauce that he is said ” Anne, sometimes i like crazy.” Yes, he is fabulous like that. The craziness has included crying without care in the grocery store almost every other time i go in there, laughing inappropriately in situations that aren’t funny, to contemplating going to the grand reopening of the remodeled funeral home because i just really liked those guys.
Pretty sure the grocery store thing is because we spent so much time trying to find things Mike could eat, and when i go into the store it just takes me back to that time, I’ve always had a warped sense of humor, and hey, I just really did like those funeral home guys.
I recently tipped my toes into the idea of dating again. Talk about crazy making. If you know me you know that when i decide to do something I just do it. One day i decided i was going to date, and the next day I did. lol
The results of this experiment sent me to the couch for two days, and put my BFFs on speed dial, and high alert.
I’ll tell you this because we are friends, and no one reads this anyhow lol.. Dating at 50, and after joining the widow club takes a level of crazy that even I may not be ready for.
Of course I have spend hours thinking, obsessing, and talking about it to everyone from strangers, my stephens minister, friends, my dr, the medium i saw when i was trying to communicate with Mike (another blog, another day), my child, and of course fellow widows because membership to this club is for life even if you do find love again.
Mike wanted me to love again. We talked about it the week before he died, and he told me he wanted me to find love again. He didn’t want me to live the rest of my life alone. Of course if the situations were reversed, I would expect him to pine over me forever, and never even date again. He was a much better person than I am.
It is just very very hard to even think of loving again. It takes a level of courage and bravery to put your heart back out there again after this kind of loss. I am not sure I have it in me.
I will always be Mikes wife. I have room in my heart to love again, I am just not sure I want to. I feel guilty, but why should I feel guilty? I have done nothing wrong. I want Mike. He isn’t coming back. I’m lonely. I’m fine. He’s hot. Stop. What will people think? Who cares what people think. I miss Mike. I love Mike. I want Mike.
You get the idea.