I met someone last year that i felt an instant attraction to. We hit it off, and dated for a while, until he told me that he wasn’t ready for an exclusive relationship and I wasn’t going to be content to be one of a number, so we stopped seeing each other.
It isn’t that easy though in this world of instant access via the cell phone. We kind of slipped into this daily connection through what i call the good morning-good night.
The good morning- good night is when the guy you are dating says good morning via text in the morning, and good night in the evening before going to bed. It’s a nice way to keep in touch with someone you are dating, or in a relationship with, or getting to know.
So, this guy i was in severe like with started the good morning- good night, and we fell into this texting relationship, punctuated every now and again by us hanging out together.
I liked him. I liked him a lot. I have to admit that i find dating now really hard. I last dated in the Reagan administration, and I never imagined i would be in this situation at this age.
Fast forward to a time when i told him to stop contacting me, because things weren’t going anywhere, and i felt like I was never going to be able to move forward with dating someone else, if he was in the picture even peripherally.
For a period of time we weren’t in contact, but we stayed facebook friends, and i got to see his dating exploits with other women, and i am here to tell you people don’t do this to yourself. When you like someone, and they don’t like you unfriend them on all social media. Itt is just torturing yourself to stay friends with them on social. It leads to things like wasting time looking at who is liking their photos, and going to that persons page, and seeing if your guy is liking or commenting on their photos, and seeing what that ho’s marital status is, being careful not to like one of that persons posts or photos, and all kinds of other crazy that we do to ourselves.
You know you have done it, so don’t even try to pretend you havn’t!
Fast forward to this spring. It’s my turn again! My guy is back, and he is back with the full press. But this time, I am better educated. I know that he is a liar, and a cheat, and really smooth. Smooth enough for me to fall into the good morning-good night again. Only now, I have his full attention, or so I think I do, because we are in constant contact, and seeing each other a lot.
I get rid of the dating app i was periodically using, stop accepting invitations from other men to go out, and am happy to date only him.
It’s never totally comfortable for me though. I never allow myself to feel hopeful, or happy, or let down my guard because I’ve watched him in action and i know better.
A snake with lipstick is still a snake.
Mikes been gone for 3 years now. I was so lonely. I am used to being a wife, and taking care of a family. I am a monogamous person, and I don’t want to date a bunch of men, I want to date one man. Plus, I really like this man as a friend. We have similar senses of humor, I like that he is a christian,(insert a snicker here) he’s an excellent father, and did i mention that we have a great time together?
So we spent the summer together, and we had a blast. Concerts, dinners, weekends away, I introduced him to my friends, and most of my family.
I was doing what i always do. Giving way more than i received, cooking for him, taking care of him, showing him what a real, loving relationship is.
Making him feel special. Because he was special to me.
He didn’t ask me for any of this. He didn’t have to. It’s a flaw I have. Seeing the best in everyone, giving people the benefit of the doubt, hanging on way longer than i should. Because after experiencing so much loss in my life, I just want to avoid another loss it if I can.
You know, the usual. Making life easier for the people in my life, at the expense of my own happiness.
So I began to notice a few things. First of all, every now and again I would get the good morning, but not the good night. Oh, well that’s easy to explain away. People get busy, they fall asleep early, they were helping their kid with their homework, and it got too late to call. I didn’t put that much thought into it, but i did notice.
But wait, he never posted any pictures of us together on his social media. Is he embarassed by me in some way? I mean, he posted every move he made with the last woman, and she wasn’t even attractive. (meow!)
I tucked this away, and continued on with our fake relationship. You know, the one that was only in my head.
Fast forward to a few nights ago. I did what i always do. I raced to the grocery store after work, to get the things for dinner that I was making for us. I ran into my house, got my staying the night clothes together, and raced over to his house. I cooked dinner, get this, I even made dinner for the following night so that even though we wouldn’t be together he would have a homemade meal to eat when he got home.
We ate, and we were laying together on his sectional which has this lounger thing on the end. My little dog was laying at the foot of it. We were starting Season 3 of a show we were watching on Netflix together. Our legs were intertwined on the couch, I allowed myself to relax, and I felt safe, I felt cared for.
I look over, and I notice that he kept picking up his phone, texting something, and putting it back down, face side down.
Who are you talking to? Oh, noone just facebook friends.
I get up, and go in the kitchen and i notice when i come back, that he has turned his phone away from me, and is typing away. He puts it down, and we continue watching our show. Legs intertwined.
He picks up the phone. I glance over, and i see at the top of the phone
It’s pretty common when you are on the dating apps, before you meet someone in person, and know their last name to identify them with their first name, and the dating app you are chatting with them on as the last name.
This guy is actually surfing the dating app, and chatting with someone else while he is cuddled up with me on the couch. He would rather text a stranger, than give his attention to the person who is sitting right next to him, and has been so good to him.
I have developed bad taste in men.
Fast forward to me getting all of my stuff together, gathering up my dog, getting the dinner i made for the next night out of the fridge, ( I left the leftover bar-b-q chicken i had made for that night for dinner in the fridge, I don’t even like bar-b-q chicken, he had requested it, and of course I made it), and leaving.
I left him alive.
I didn’t even cry.
I have been through worse. After all, I watched the man that i loved more than my own life, die. I mean he left this earth, and I will never see him alive again. Nothing really compares to that.
He is no Mike.
You have to be pretty low to do this to someone. But to do this to someone that you have known for a year and a half, and have watched grieve, watched try to pick up the pieces of her fractured life, watched her try to overcome her fear of being hurt again.
That takes a special kind of dirty dog.
So there you have it, my first fake relationship after losing Mike.
The very odd thing is even though I am so embarassed by this, and his cruel disregard for my feelings is so hard to understand, i miss the good morning-good night.
I miss feeling like someone cared enough to reach out every morning, and every night to tell me that they were thinking of me.
It makes me miss Mike all over again, because if he were alive, I wouldn’t have to be experiencing this, and I wouldn’t have to feel this pain, this humiliation, this ugly exposure to someone with no integrity.
The challenge is to not let this change how i deal with the world. It would be easy to just give up, and decide not to date anymore. It would be easy to get bitter, and not believe that there are any good men left in the world.
I won’t do that. I will just keep being me, keep trying to leave people better off after I leave than when I came, and I will certainly pray for this mans next victim because there will certainly be one. I won’t see it on facebook though, as you can imagine we are no longer friends.
I could easily tuck this away, and not share it with you. I want to. Believe me, this humiliating experience has been hard for me to understand. I thought we were friends first, and although it was a one sided friendship, I will miss it.
I am sharing it because there may be someone out there who has experienced something similar, or is going through a hard loss right now, and needs to know that they are not alone, and that this stuff happens to even middle aged ladies who should know better than to let it.
You are not alone.
So if you are going through something like this, and you need the Good Morning-Good Night I am here. I got you.
I have a feeling I’m going to need it as well.