When you have suffered devastating loss whether it be of a spouse, loved one, business, job, or a heart break it is only human to think that it shouldn’t happen to you again. You have paid your debt, suffered enough, you should have a pass.
After all, I lived my wedding vows. I did sickness and sometimes health. I did til death did its part. I should be spared heartbreak right?
It doesn’t work that way. I wish it did, but it doesn’t.
The truth is if you live long enough, you will have loss. You will have pain. No one gets out alive. It’s how you live after loss that really shows who you are.
It’s hard to remain positive and hopeful when you feel that life has kicked you in the teeth. I see it a lot out on the dating scene. There are a lot of wounded people out there. I am here to tell you that even though you may have been cheated on, or humiliated by your ex wife, or lost custody of your kids that doesn’t give you an excuse to be a douche bag.
I thought when i started dating that men would automatically know that i am a good person, and would know that i would never cheat on them, or knowingly hurt them. I mean i married a man who told me he had stage 4 cancer the day we met. I have street cred, or i should.
This street cred means nothing in the dating world. The guy who calls you a player because you dare go to dinner with your life long male friend doesn’t care that you are just friends, and he doesn’t believe you anyhow that you have never been anything but friends.
Telling someone that you barely survived the loss of your husband, and are terrified to be hurt again is like a flashing neon sign over your head saying that you will tolerate the worst of the worst behavior in order to avoid feeling that hurt again. I am not limiting this to men, because i have seen women treat men equally poorly. Male or female there is no good excuse to treat people unkindly.
The challenge is to not let this bad behavior that you experience change you for the bad. It is hard to continue to treat people kindly, and the way you would like to be treated when they have stomped on your feelings, treated you like gum that needs to be scraped off of their shoes, used you as a paycheck, warm bed partner, or baby sitter.
It’s the reason i wanted to start wearing Mikes wedding band again. Not because i don’t think i will feel the romantic love of a man again, but because i need to remember to love myself enough to have standards, and even though it is particularly cruel to demean a widow who is emotionally defenseless, there are people out there who will and do.
They aren’t necessarily even bad people. They may be people who have been treated poorly by others, have never had anyone treat them as good as you do, or maybe they really are a shitty person.
I’ve noticed that i hang on to people, houses, and hurts even harder and longer after losing my dad and husband. It especially hurts me to let someone go, even though i am not losing anything. I usually give way more than i get, not that it’s a contest, because usually they give nothing, and i give everything. When someone gives you nothing, you have nothing to lose when you let them go.
It’s like you want to make this person love you, and not abandon you. As if it is somehow your fault that your spouse died, or your partner cheated, or you got let go in the downsizing. If you can make this person love you, it will make you a loveable person.
You are a lovable person on your own. Don’t continue to beat yourself up for seeing the good in people, or for having the courage to actually show someone who you really are, or for seeking comfort in places you know are bad for you. We all need to be touched, cared for, and seen.
You have survived worse things. When you are ready, you will remove those people who bring no value to your life. You will take back your power, regain your self respect.
After all, you were the last love of someones life.
That means something.