A wrecked life

If the worst year of my life started August 1,2016 then it should be ending soon right?

We spent the weekend scattering the rest of Mikes ashes at his beloved family cabin, surrounded by friends and his family. Honestly, it was so painful for me to be there, and i was in a continuous flashback of happier times that we had spent there together that i spent the weekend drinking way too much to try to get through it.

I was as you would suspect. A hot mess. I struggled.

Geez did I struggle. Having to have two get togethers to scatter his ashes was a little more emotionally challenging than i think any of us expected it to be. I feel like I take a few steps forward, and bam another icky sad grief thing like having to clean out his storage unit of stuff from his first marriage happens and i go right back down the grief hole.

The truth is the last year has come at a tremendous personal cost not only to me, but on those who love me. I certainly wasn’t thinking about any of this when I met and became involved with Mike. I should have, but how could anyone ever imagine the horrors of all this? Even if i had thought about how bad it could be to watch someone you love slowly die, and then have to pick up all the pieces of not only his life, but my own I wouldn’t have been able to ever imagine this freak show.
In the interest of self care, I have resigned myself to being sad until I’m not sad anymore, and have started exercising to try to shorten the bad time duration. It does seem to have helped, at least to give me something to do in the evenings, and something to think about besides devastating loss and sadness.

I have always promised to be honest here, and i know some of you will not want to read this. Here is my advice to you if you meet someone with terminal cancer, and you contemplate dating them. RUN! RUN AWAY! Unless you want to lose your business, want to die with them, lose friends, family, and not even care.. and in the end you have a wrecked life and have to start over yet again. If you want any of these fun things get involved.

All a part of the grief process friends.


One Comment

  1. So, so sorry for that added measure of searing pain, loss and grief rearing its head at you again. Not fair. Life, yes, but not fair. If we are to find a bit of solace in the words of Khalil Gibran, the depth of your unbearable pain this weekend, and this whole past year is a reflection of the depth of the incredible love that preceded it. You are so right to engage in self care, and to be sad until you aren’t sad any more. If you need some time away, and someone to cover you with a blanket and bring you tea, we are here in the trees in the mountains.

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