This week has sucked, mcsucked, and triple sucked. In review, Monday we spent all day at U of M getting reacquainted with our Michigan oncologist, and meeting with a social worker that specializes in cancer. I am sure the counselor had to take a liquid lunch after meeting with us, I mean I needed a drink myself after telling our story.
Who could make this shit up? Mikes story alone would make you weep. He finds out he has terminal cancer, his wife leaves him, and moves out of state, he meets me (that part is fabulous), his dad dies, he almost dies, my dad dies…and on and on. I kept my crazy in the closet during the meet and greet, but it kept threatening to slip out.
Fast forward through the rest of the yummy week.. Tuesday he had to spend another 6 hours at U of M because his blood level had sunk down to 7.1 again, and he needed a blood transfusion. I stayed at home, shipping bikinis to customers who apparently aren’t sure of their size, because they turn around and send them back for a refund almost as quickly as I send them out. Sometimes they send back stuff they didn’t buy from me, or swimwear still wet from the summer vacation they wore it on.. The joy of self employment.
Wednesday was the liver biopsy in Ohio. We got up at 5 am, drove down there checking Mikes temp the whole time, because wait.. he has had this fever off and on for weeks that no one can explain, and believe me when I google I don’t want to look at the possible reasons.
After the biopsy I spent 30 minutes wandering around the parking garage looking for our vehicle. I told Mike if he ever divorces me, I am remarrying yet again, but the next time it will be to a directionally challenged man like myself. The whole time I was walking around the parking garage, I was getting anxiety thinking Mike was sitting in the wheelchair in front of the hospital in the hot sun waiting. Note to self, having anxiety about not being able to find your vehicle in the parking garage doesn’t help with either your anxiety, or in finding your vehicle.
We got home Wednesday night about 8pm after I drove through what I am sure was the worst rainstorm I have ever driven in. I literally pulled onto the side of the freeway for the first time in my life, it was that bad. Mike actually grabbed the wheel to “help” guide me onto the shoulder, because he couldn’t see either. We both agreed he would never do that again, as I didn’t appreciate him grabbing the wheel, as I drove 10 mph down the freeway. I confess, I thought if I am going to die today God couldn’t you have done this before we spent 13 hours at the hospital today?
Fast forward to the last couple of nights.. Mike has been in terrible pain since the biopsy, and the fever has been back with a vengeance. At one point, in the middle of the night wednesday, I almost knocked my fool self out. He woke up, I jumped up out of bed. It was about 15 minutes after the last time he had awoken, and I was probably still sleeping. I refreshed his cold compresses, checked his temperature, all apparently in my sleep. I went back to my side of the bed. We have a heavy wood 4 poster bed. I proceeded to walk right into the bed poster. It hit me right above my left eye, knocked me down, and I saw stars. Not beautiful stars in the sky, not movie stars, the kind of stars you see just before the fade to black. I wish I could say this was the first time I have done this, but no I have done it at least 2 other times. Mike mentioned I should walk in the dark with my hand out feeling for it, which I will certainly do when I am actually awake during these late night nursing sessions. When you are doing it every half hour to an hour after 15 hour days, it kinda slips your mind.
Yesterday, I spent all day debating on when and whether to take Mike to the ER. He has had this temperature, and it gets scary. The drs believe it is from the tumor acting up. However, it has hovered around 100-102 degrees even with the Tylenol. Of course, at those temps they fear infection or cholangitis. They did blood work, he has had a course of cipro, no other symptoms of cholangitis (infection of bile ducts), but the fear is there. At one point, we were ready to go to the ER, and the temp miraculously went down. As all cancer patients can tell you, they hate to go to the ER. The risk of them giving you an infection is high, and the reward for what Mike is dealing with is probably minimal. For me, I am no doctor, no nurse, and no nurses aid. I don’t generally even like sick people. Mike says I do a great job, but it isn’t natural, and I am praying for some guidance from God on how to let go of some of the fear, and anxiety that is pretty much running my life these days.
While we wait for our next doctor appointment we busy ourselves planning a tropical vacation, and in making a 10 year plan for our future. Not really.. but I couldn’t think of any other way to close this post.