People always ask me how I can get through the days in the face of so much bad stuff going on. My flip answer is lots of wine. However most people that really know me know that I rarely drink,and I am too much of a control freak to ever totally let go. Instead I would say that humor is what gets me through it. I laugh. I laugh a lot.
When Mike had the feeding tube out,and was dealing with the leaking pie eye as I called it, he was pretty down. The thing really did look like a 3rd nipple,and I was joking around with him about it. Everytime he would laugh the thing would squirt bile out of it.Do you remember those fake flowers that you sniff,and it squirts water in your eye? Yes.. like that. This cracked me up. He kept saying no more laughing, no more laughing.. lol.. Then we would crack jokes about it,and it would squirt again..
I tell you this because I feel this need to confess something that happened at the hospital when I took Mike into emergency October 23rd. Picture the scene.. he had been throwing up for 2 hours at home. We go from one crisis to another with very little relief..I had to drive him to the ER for what is like the 5th time this year with him writhing,and in the fetal position at 7 o’clock in the morning.I then spent 9 hours in the ER watching him in uncontrollable pain,and begging God to take him.Pretty awful stuff,and not for the weak for sure.I pretty much was ready for a nervous breakdown. I am not sure what exactly a nervous breakdown is,but the way I picture it in my head? I was close.
I go out into the hallway,and I lost it.I am not happy about this.. I hate to get emotional in public,and I really pride myself on my calmness in crisis. However,i couldn’t keep it together.. I wept so hard I got the dry heaves.Quietly though.. so as not to disturb any of the other patients.
A couple nurses came out. They were trying to comfort me,which really made me feel worse. The last thing you want when you are doing the ugly cry is attention from other people.I am not used to people being nice to me, or giving me attention.I live with a teenage daughter..I finally escaped these nice ladies,and got back to Mikes room.
A few minutes later a nice looking lady comes in,and sits down beside me. She introduces herself as the hospital social worker,and tells me the hospital is concerned for me,and she wants to know if I need to talk to someone. For crying out loud.. why do these people have to be so kind? Can’t they just let me grieve alone? I just sat there. I could barely talk anyway,so it wasn’t a stretch. Finally, she says to me “What are you thinking right now?”
I have no idea where this came from… why I said this.. I looked at her and I said ” I really wish I hadn’t started that colon cleanse last night”
They are probably still talking about me..
PS..Yes, the picture really is the 3rd nipple..aka feeding tube hole.It is healed now…but shh.. no one tell Mike I posted this on my blog,deal?